It’s been years since I got together with a large number of family to celebrate the holidays. I miss the fights the most.
Yes, I went there. Why sit around in a quiet, food-induced stupor, when you can use a little alcohol to fuel more lively arguments? What goo
d is a family feast without contenders in opposite corners of the living room, hackles raised, old memories refreshed and a full head of steam enhanced by a glass or two or ten of bourbon-blasted eggnog?
Oh, for the days of drunk Uncle Ed call Aunt Bertha a fat, useless waste of space, whereupon she smacks him upside the head with the half-full bottle of Dull Donkey gin and calls him a pie-eyed, pissy piece of s*&!. Uncle Ed then accuses Aunt Bertha of marrying her fourth husband for money, unlike the first three, whom she married because they were (in order), blind, deaf and older than original sin. She in turn reminds Uncle Ed that the reason he’s living in a trailer (not a mobile home, as he likes to call it) is that he prefers to drink his money, rather than pay for a real roof over his head. Uncle Ed gets up, wobbles over to Aunt Bertha, stuffs mistletoe in her ear and reminds her that when her current husband leaves her for another man, she can always get a job in professional wrestling.
Family: can’t live with ’em, can’t imagine the holidays without ’em.
What is it about celebrations that either bring out the best and worst in our nearest and not-so-dearest? Do our relatives bore each other that much, year after year, that they have to start raising cain instead of hanging candy canes? Does sharing gossip about who’s been divorced the most and who’s racked up the most baby daddies mean more than sharing the recipes for Mom’s ham glaze and apple cobbler? Speculating about cousin Binny’s possible meth habit is more special than watching the kids sledding down the hill?
You don’t have to put up with these people often. It sucks to be civilized to people you don’t respect, or who don’t respect you. But if you can manage to keep it civilized, at least for the length of time it takes to wolf down dinner and watch a football game, then you have shown that there is hope for humanity.
- Mexican Tamales: Related Through Food (chefboylorenzo.wordpress.com)
- Thanksgiving. (nesslysette.wordpress.com)
- The Holidays Are Shameful. Yeah, I said it. (thoughtstoyourself.com)
- Holiday Survival Guide: How to Cope with Your Imperfect Family (womenentrepreneursecrets.blogspot.com)
- Maybe to no one’s house we go (nadabusy24.wordpress.com)
- Traditions that no longer need to be (themanaoblog.wordpress.com)
- Tis the Season for Family Fighting (rachelblessing.wordpress.com)
- Holiday fighting (awkwardbrowngirl.wordpress.com)