The Sock Gods Are Pissed

I was commiserating with friends about the eternal mystery that is lost socks.

Specifically, where one sock in a pair goes when both are washed and dried together. The conspiracy theories were endless, of course.

“There is an alternate universe where socks go when they get lost in the wash.  It is not much publicized, but one of the main goals of the large hadron collider is to find a way to communicate with that universe and liberate all of Earth’s lost socks.  Of concern, no one has really considered what effect the reintroduction of what could be billions of socks will have on this universe. ”

“They ran away from home.”

“Sometimes they haven’t actually gotten lost in the wash. Sometimes they’ve just fallen behind the washer or in between the washer and dryer. And sometimes they’ve gotten stuck in another piece of clothing and when you’re walking down the street minding your own business, they fall out. Right in front of God and everybody!”

“One goes missing, then another one goes looking for it. Looks like ten were left behind and got lonely. There’s rejoicing in Sockland when all are reunited!”

And this bit, courtesy of Jerry Seinfeld: “Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives. They’re in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They do escape from the dryer. They plan it the night before. ‘Tomorrow. The dryer. I’m going. You wait here.”’The dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you don’t see him, and he goes down the road, da da da, da da da da.”

In my house, when a sock goes astray, I do make an effort to locate it, since I know for sure I put a pair in the wash, therefore, a pair must emerge. But where sock theology meets sock science, there is apparently some kind of black hole and logic gets lost like a golf ball in a sinkhole.

Rather than waste all that time searching the dryer and picking through clothing seams, looking for stuck socks, I’ve got another idea. If it’s rogue they want, then rogue they go. Let them run wild and free, and return on their own accord. Like the prodigal son, they will come back home, looking for the dull drawer and the fetid feet. Spring is coming soon, and before you know it, we can dispense with socks and wiggle our commando toes, free of nylon or cotton cover. Then we’ll see how the socks feel about the lack of status.

Rainbow striped toe socks worn with thong sandals

Rainbow striped toe socks worn with thong sandals (Photo credit: Wikipedia)



Filed under Clothes, consumer products, thought

7 responses to “The Sock Gods Are Pissed

  1. Gramma

    Would you believe that mismatched socks are all rage among teeny boppers, pre-teens and teens? Sure helps not to have to match them when they come out of the dryer!

  2. To quote “Private Benjamin”: “I want to go to lunch. I want to wear my sandals.”

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