I know my friends and acquaintances are normal. In fact, I’m sure of it.
But there’s no question that they have some very bent branches on their family trees.
My friend “Sam” is a lovely gal with a one-year-old girl, a nice husband and a stable home life. It turns out that she became a sister-in-law last night – to a woman whose personality is a combination of jailer, attention whore and beyotch-with-a-broomstick. Oh, and this new family member has a mother to match her in all terms of outlandish excesses, from telling people how they should entertain in their own houses to calling out other family members on their weight and manner of dress.
Just reading that paragraph, you’re likely wondering how “Sam’s” brother didn’t see what was coming, and didn’t Bolt like Usain when he had the chance. Family, friends and even church pastors apparently tried talking him out of this (un)holy matrimony. But love is sometimes not only blind; it’s deaf, and beyond dumb.
“Sam” and I, along with a few other friends, came up with a Top Ten-style list of why her brother needed to rethink his decision:
- Number 10. Bat-shit crazy is an inherited condition: she’ll pass it on to the kids.
- Number 9. Your marriage will give your family something to vent about – forever.
- Number 8. Dear brother, if everyone is telling you this isn’t a good idea, do you think we’re the ones who are wrong?
- Number 7. She does not want to be just your wife, she wants to be your keeper and jailer. What part of her telling you “You cannot see your friends for six months so we have time to become a real couple” does not scream, ” Because I am so insecure about myself!!!“?
- Number 6. Marriage to her means Holidays Spent in Hell for the rest of the family.
- Number 5. When people who are paid to deal with your wedding stuff don’t want to be bothered, it’s bad. Really bad.
- Number 4. This woman plans to get you, hook, line and sinker; for better and (mostly) for worse, in sickness and (probably not in good mental) health.
- Number 3. Our family has already started a betting pool as to when she becomes pregnant. The odds are pretty good in favor of your wedding night, even if she has to tie you to the bedposts to get it done.
- Number 2. Married life is going to be very lonely for you, when the only voice you end up hearing (aside from the one in your own head) is her nagging, whiny one.
- And the Number one reason this marriage should not go forward: One of you is going to get a real screwing over. And guaranteed, it won’t be her.
And despite all the warning signs, the marriage did indeed take place. Any other bad omens? Oh, yes; the bride and groom failed to budget properly, running out of money to pay for the post-wedding church cleanup and their honeymoon condo deposit. I have a feeling that their relationship, like their wallets, will take a major bailout long before the first anniversary well-wishes arrive.