Wedding’s Over; No One’s In Jail. They Could Still Be Hungover.

My friend’s brother is a married man. Yes, D’Bro and B2B are Mrs. and Mr. And if you know this saga, you understand the order of those titles.

Oh, it was not all perfect on The Big Day. No doubt by the end of it, my friend was hoping that B2B and all her drama would “fall out of a very tall building and hit all the pointy brickwork on the way down,” as our mutual buddy CarolinaKat would say. Consider some of the hilarity that ensued in the hours leading up to those most famous words in matrimony, “You may now kiss the bride [if you can still stand her]”:

• The MOOG (Mother Of Our Groom) decided that in addition to preparing all the food, she also had to play hotel operator to out-of-town family. And had to be Donna Reed while doing it. So in addition to feeding wedding guests, she’s also the perfect hostess to her brothers and their families. It’s a wonder the woman did not pitch head-first into the deviled eggs.
• One guest cancels at the last minute, due to her mother’s hospitalization. She feels bad about it, but offers to help bury any bodies that need dealing with after the wedding is over. After all, what are friends for?
• By twleve noon, as preparations are getting into high gear for the 2 p.m. nuptials, B2B’s mother is nowhere to be found. Even B2B does not know her whereabouts.
• Margarita machine is up and running. My friend does a little “quality control” and beverage passes muster. MOOG is not happy without a similar swig, and downs most of a cup in no time. FOOG (Father Of Our Groom) cowers in a corner, thinking this might not end well.
• B2B is pouting and whimpering about how the tent looks and how her dressing area looks because nothing looks right. One margarita calms her for about five minutes.
• D’Bro gets back at 1 p.m. with another load of ice, the first load rapidly going to water in the ninety-plus degree heat.
• Leopard-print bikini top cousin shows up wearing an actual bra – underneath her shorts and tank top. As far as she is concerned, she’s formally dressed.
• At 1:30, B2B still isn’t dressed, but claims it’s no big deal, because it did not take her that long to get into six layers of clothing while getting her dress altered. Problem is, she didn’t attempt it during a hot Texas summer (the house A/C, set at 72 degrees, is failing rapidly and climbing steadily). So she pulls, tugs and stuffs herself and finally, she is ready.
• Two p.m. and…what music? Turns out no one figured out how to pipe the music from inside to outside the house until the very last minute. When it was figured out, it was the wrong music, resulting in a B2B mini-meltdown. My friend’s response? A short lecture that no one would know or care and a shove out the door. As the walk began, so did the right music.

In the end, there was enough food and drink, the photos were done, and everyone had a good time. No one assaulted anyone else, and no one needed bail money. In other words, a perfect day in my friend’s world.